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Vito's Revenge
Working in retail has given me a great deal of stories over the years. One experience involved my boss Mr Haveastock having a go at me for not giving him the correct amount of Clubs to sell to the Faustin Crime Family whom Haveastock was an associate of, and another involved me beating up an old lady who wanted to buy a sofa for her grandson. I had gone to school with her grandson. He was a prick. Anyways, one Winters day near Christmas while I was busy trying to sell this hot sofa to a ugly looking barnacle faced rat, I was pulled away by my co-worker and rival Dermot. Dermot wanted to show me something in the employee breakroom. Dermot was my arch nemesis. He was so much cooler, and was also so much better with the ladies than me. He had about 69 partners including an undercover lover who once ate eggs with The Shadow Reader in Beaver's Pass. Ever been there? I have, and it was pretty fucking shit not gonna lie! Even though Dermot worked in retail it was really just his part-time job for the Christmas holidays. His real work was as Prime Minister Rabe Maniels' right-hand man, personal assistant, and personal driver. Maniels was on holiday for the Christmas season so Dermot got himself a part-time job here for the time being. Anyways, me and Dermot got inside the break room, and he gave me a plate with nothing on it. "What's this?" I asked as Dermot took the plate out of hands, and said, "I'd like to lick the plate for ya!" He then proceeded to lick the plate for about three hours. Yeah Dermot is a weird guy. Don't judge as his mother used to make him eat soup with a fork. A fork! What is this world coming to? After three hours, I attempted to make my leave only for Dermot to stop me. "Not so fast. I got a little pressie for you Gary." Dermot said as he pulled out a DVD shaped item wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper from behind his back. "Wow gee thanks Dermot!" I exclaimed happily while taking the present out of Dermot's hands. "Don't open it until Christmas day." Dermot warned me as we began to make our leave out of the break room. Christmas was only three days away so it wasn't really a big wait at all or anything. After leaving the break room, me and Dermot proceeded to get lectured by Mr Haveastock who hated us because we smelt like cheese and onion crisps. "You need to be selling our stock not selling pressies!" Haveastock yelled angrily. It was so loud it actually made me shit myself. Luckily I had brought an extra pair for work that day in case something happened. The next two days went by very quickly with me selling as much stock as I could not even Dermot could keep up with the amount of things I was selling. I even managed to sell a smelly fish to a dopey dog who yelled, "Lake Destiny, Idaho!" "What!?" I asked confused as the dopey dog began dancing. "Don't tell me you don't remember hi dad soup?" He asked as Mr Haveastock's enforcer proceeded to throw him out of the store. That evening, I was getting ready to go home when Dermot stopped me. "Hey Gary looking forward to Christmas tomorrow?" Dermot asked as I replied with, "not really. Christmas is rather smelly. I think Scrooge had it right ya know? Well before he lost all his money by helping Tiny Tim get into Fordham University." Dermot looked at me puzzled for 69 seconds before saying, "you uh you haven't forgotten about the present I gave ya have you Gary?" "Of course I haven't! What's it about anyway?" I asked. Dermot then pulled a really smelly face, and began licking the plate from earlier again. Told you he was a weird man didn't I dear reader? Oh shut up I bet you're weird too. We all are after al! Dermot stopped licking the plate, and proceeded to look me dead in the eyes before saying, "it's a surprise. If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise then would it love?" "No I suppose not." I said as Dermot began to make his leave out of the building onto the snowy streets of London. "And Gary..." Dermot said before continuing with, "I'll be calling you tomorrow night around 6 or 7 to see how it is." And with that Dermot got into a small black car which quickly drove off into the distance. I couldn't be too sure, but the driver looked a lot like District Attorney Donald Sandler. I slept easily that night due to my lover George putting rotten eggs in my coffee. "I'd like to have you up against the wall Gary." George said as I was busy preparing the turkey for Christmas dinner. "Not now George I got to get this turkey ready before the DA gets here. He might offer me a job as assistant DA." I had been applying for a new job for over three months now, and had finally landed an interview for the position of assistant district attonary of London. I began dusting my plants as George asked if we should open presents yet. I decided against my better judgement that we would open the presents, and finish the rest of the cooking afterwards. So me and George each took turns opening presents. I had gotten George an BSDM outfit. Ha only joking! I got him Backyardigans Backyard Adventures Complete Series One on Blu Ray from a DVD store a couple blocks down the road from my flat. George meanwhile had gotten me a picture of him making love to a duck. Yep not even joking on that one. The rest of the presents was the just normal boring stuff like clothes, chocolate, and a Rap Rat action figure. Ya know the things that people normally get on Christmas day. So as I was tiding up all the discarded wrapping paper on the floor, George noticed a present which had not yet been opened. "Gary! This one's for you!" George said happily as he handed me the present. We had rough steamy pancake making lessons arranged for the summer if you were wondering. Anyways, I unwrapped the present, and saw that it was a DVD for The Garfield Show. "Ay what!?" I asked confused as a confused man often does when confused about something confusing which confuses him. George took the DVD out of my hands, and began sniffing it. It smelt really bad. It smelt like dog poop mixed with The Shadow Reader's homemade otter sauce underneath a house in South City. George's nose nearly fell off as he proclaimed, "oh my I love The Garfield Show! Can we watch it Gary? Can we can we?" I reluctantly agreed as George made his way over to the TV placing the disc into the DVD player. As he did this, I picked up the DVD, and glanced it over. The DVD was called Garfield Show: Vito's Revenge, and the cover had a picture of Garfield getting chased down by all of his enemies including Nermal, Herman Post, Al and Pete, and even Vito for some strange reason. I found this odd as Vito was one of Garfield's allies in the show.., or so I thought. Dun, dun, dun! Oh and the back of the case was completely blank in case you were wondering dear reader. Me and George made ourselves comfy on the living room floor next to the Christmas tree made of dog shit as some commercials began to play. They were very weird to say the least. One commercial had a bulldog factory worker being asked if he was working that night. "Not tonight it's Christmas Eve!" The dog said in the most dumb voice I think I've ever heard, and another had Peter Griffin from Family Guy fighting Pablo from Backyardigans. After the commercials ended, the main menu appeared. It was nothing special really. It was just a picture of Garfield staring at the screen with a weird face. There was only one option which read, "play episode." I clicked it, and the episode began with the normal theme song. The intro was odd to say the very least. Well for starters, Garfield looked even fatter than normal, and also never bothered to hit his alarm clock off his bedside table like he normally does. Also during the part where Garfield sits on the couch Jon and Odie did not appear behind him. Instead Genera Asquith appeared behind him! 'Weird,' I thought to myself. So the episode then began with the main title card which read, "Vito's Revenge," and it showed Vito chasing Garfield whilst holding a rolling pin up in the air. The episode says that it was written by Rabe Maniels and General Asquith which I thought was strange. Even stranger than Stranger Things. This story is actually sponsored by Stranger Things. Ha only joking you sexy reader you ;) Following the title card, the episode began with Jon pulling up outside of Vito's Pizzeria with Garfield and Odie sitting in the backseat of his car. "Right you two I want you on your best behaviour today. Especially you Garfield." Jon said as Garfield responds with, "fuck you." I ended up shoving George's head up my arse, and pooping it out. What the heck did Garfield just swear!? How dare he fucking swear this is a good children's show stupid fucking cat. The trio enter the pizzeria where Vito was busy sticking some pizza bases into a large oven. Suddenly, Rolf from Ed, Edd, N Eddy appeared in the oven saying, "hello Ed boys!" Vito didn't seem to notice this, and pulled the pizzas out from the oven. He began to place the toppings onto them which caused Garfield to leap towards the table in hunger. "Garfield noooooooo!" Jon cried out in slow motion, but it was too late as Garfield's actions caused Vito to fall backwards into the pizza oven. "Oh dear that's not good." Garfield said while proceeding to dig into the pizzas completely ignoring the fact that he possibly murdered Vito. The screen then transitioned to the Arbuckle Household where Jon was having a cup of tea with Professor Bonkers. "So can you really bring him back Professor?" Jon asked to which Bonkers replied with, "does The Shadow Reader like smelly onion rings? Of course I can bring him back dear Arbuckle!" Bonkers then explained to Jon that he would be using his garage as his base of operations for the time being like some kind of Rick Sanchez. In the garage, Bonkers began wielding some weird machines together, and began jamming them into Vito's completely burnt corpse. Later, Bonkers came into the living room where Jon was waiting for him along with Garfield and Odie. "Say hello to the new and improved Vito Cappelletti!" Bonkers proclaimed as a now cyborg version of Vito entered the living room. "So Garfield you killed me for some pizzas did you? Well this time you're not getting away so easily." Vito said in his new electronic voice as he proceeded to strangle Bonkers to death. I laughed. I'm a sick man. Don't judge me. So then Vito left the house in his new cyborg body, and went to a nearby phone booth where he made some phone calls. First he called Nermal, then he called Herman Post, and lastly Al and Pete who refused to take part due to them starring in a BBC drama with Christopher Eccleston and Christopher Walking. Vito arranged to meet with his cohorts Nermal and Herman in his pizzeria after closing. At the pizzeria, the trio discussed the ultimate plan to get rid of Garfield. "We give him so much food that he blows up like a bomb!" Vito proclaimed happily. "Yep then we feed his smelly corpse to the dogs." Nermal said evilly as Herman who was now voiced by Matt Berry for some strange reason yelled, "I could really use a potty break!" The episode then cut to black, and came back to show a time card which read 'one week later.' Garfield and Odie were pestering Jon for food well mainly Garfield as Odie was dead for some reason. It's shown in a flashback that Odie chased a butterfly through a park where he ended up getting stomped on by Willie The Giant. Garfield finally got Jon's attention who agreed to take him to Vito's Pizzeria despite the fact that it's obviously grilled. No but in reality he took Garfield there even though he clearly saw Vito murder Professor Bonkers in cold blood not even that long ago. Like seriously why the fuck would you go back there Jon you dickpole! At Vito's Pizzeria, Garfield tried to apolisge only for Vito to throw down a hugmungus platter of food onto the table in front of him. "Ah shove it down ya donkey!" Vito yelled. And so Garfield ate and ate until his belly grew too large. "No more I can't handle another bite." Garfield said as his face turned green looking like he was about to throw up all over the carpet. At that very moment, Nermal and Herman came in holding a large chocolate cake the size of the Empire States Building. "Oh fuck," Garfield said as he reluctantly ate the cake in one bite, and ended up... vomiting all over the pizzeria drowning Nermal and Herman in the process. Vito and Jon managed to escape just in time. You see Jon had secretly been conspiring with Vito due to them being lovers on the run ever since series 1 episode 2 of Shrek The Halls. A time card then came on screen which read, "ten years later," and it was read by the French Narrator from SpongeBob SquarePants for some strange reasons. It then showed that after the incident at Vito's Pizzeria, Garfield had become a changed cat. He now owned his very own gym where he helped other cats like Fluffykins, Jon ended up marrying Vito, and Herman who survived the vomit ordeal somehow ended up fulfilling his life long dream of plowing that girl he met on holiday two years prior. He was prevented the last time by his boss who had a real hard on for him. Vito also explained to Garfield that the plan was never intended to kill Garfield as we were led to believe, but rather to change Garfield's greedy ways, and make him realise that life is always worth living as long as you have enough rubies, and that is truly beautiful. The end credits didn't appear instead it cut straight back to the main menu which had changed, and now showed Rap Rat staring at the screen with a smelly look on his face. In the background a man could be saying, "the TV the TV is on! The TV is on!" There was also now another option aside from play episode which read, "meeting of the syndicate.' Curious I clicked it, and was treated to a video of some men sitting at a table discussing something with Rabe Maniels who sat at the very centre of the table. "Gentlemen this is Archie Colmyer the latest person to join our little syndicate." Maniels said while showing off recently promoted police commissioner Archie Colmyer to the rest of the people on the table. and I recognised all of the other people on the table. There was Bishop Lennard Brennan and his PA Father Jessop, Governor Phil Green, weathly businessman Victor Kennedy, District Attorney Donald Sandler, and General R. Asquith. Dermot was also there, and stood proudly by Maniels' side. "So how's your newest lost episode selling Rabe? What was it this time again a Garfield Show lost episode?" Green asked confused while smoking from a cigar made from cheese. "I can't throw them out fast enough Phil. They're selling like hot cakes!" Maniels explained as Sandler responded with, "but that's part of the problem Rabe. Sell too many of those things at one time, and people will begin asking questions. Washington's full of complaints from the UN enough as it is." "Oh shut the front door Donald!" Rabe said as Donald did as he was told, and shut the front door which was beginning to let quite the draft in. Maniels then sighed heavily before saying, "this lost episode is going to bring a lot of money into my pocket boys I can feel it." Brennan got an offended look, and said, "I hope you mean all of our pockets Rabe! We are all members of your syndicate after all even Dermot and my PA should be getting at least 10 grand a piece!" "Of course Len of course." Rabe said, and he then turned to face Dermot. "So did you manage to sell that prick Gary that DVD?" "Yep. I popping around his on Christmas day at around six." Dermot said happily while eating a big handful of chips dosed in The Shadow Reader's homemade otter sauce. "Very good." Maniels said evilly. "So when will the freeway be spotted dicked Phil?" Maniels asked to which Green responded with, "it still has to be approved by the United Nations. Takes a long time to raise 3 million bitcoins." "Yeah but that idiot Trump will approve of anything that gives him more money." Sandler said before continuing, "and soon his country, and the rest of the world will be ours." The clip ended, and I made a phone call to Dermot. There was no answer. Dermot ended up calling me back an hour later. In that time, I had put George to bed, and had completely gone off cooking Christmas dinner. I had bought myself a small ready meal from Tesco. Yes Tesco was still open on Christmas day because they're sick bastards. Upon placing the phone to my huge ass ear I heard Dermot greet me In a smelly voice. He had clearly been licking the plates again. "I was just about to head over to your flat. So did you watch my DVD?" Dermot asked confused as I responded with, "yeah I did. It was great, but Dermot I have a question for you." "Yeah sure Gary go right ahead." Dermot said. I could hear his undercover lover taking a shit in the background. "What do you know about Rabe Maniels and his little syndicate?" I asked as the phone went dead silent for a moment. Dermot then spoke up sheepishly, and said, "Gary listen to me very closely. Get out of town now or you're a dead man! I was only doing my job I didn't mean to get you involved in this thing." Dermot said, and with that he hung up on me. I did try and call him back a few time after that, but each time got no answer. Over the rest of Christmas day, I searched on Google about Rabe Maniels and his supposed syndicate. I learnt about Rabe investing money into the local church which was owned by Brennan, and I learned about his investments in Victor Kennedy's numerous business projects. While on Google, I came across a post which talked about a mysterious man named Rabe Maniels, The post said that if you have seen him then go to this address. I shall not tell you the address for sake of the person's privacy. The following morning, George gave me a lift to this mysterious house in the Yorkshire Hills where Anti-Pesto once did work for Barry Scott and his gang. At the house, I was let in by a man who looked like he was in his late 20's or early 30's going by the name of Matthew Williams. "So... Gary what exactly did Maniels and his friends talk about in this episode?" Williams asked as he led me into the living room. "They were talking about some freeway getting spotted dicked. Whatever that means." I said as I sat down on the sofa. Across the room, I could see some guy wearing sunglasses trying to ring someone on a telephone. It was The BC Network! "Skyrunner!" BC Network yelled before continuing with, "tell Shadow that Luca Brasi is still not answering his phone. Maybe he's the rat." This so called Skyrunner came in holding a cup of tea, and said, "I doubt it. Luca was always loyal. The Shadow Reader was the only thing he believed in, and the only thing he feared. My money is on Richard Fatchurd being the rat." "Well maybe he got taken by surprise." I said while making myself a cup of coffee like I owned the place. I did pay the mortgage on the house after all thanks to my sweet sweet car insurance. After explaining who I was and my story, Skyrunner and BC proceeded to lecture me on who they were, and shit. They were part of a syndicate known as the Lost Episode Resistance which pledged to clean the world from all types of lost media. Their number one enemy was Rabe Maniels. Luca Brasi was The Shadow Reader's personal enforcer. He had not been heard from since the night before something known as the Squidward's Sickness incident. A bad sign. Yet Skyrunner nor BC could believe that Luca had either been taken by surprise or turned traitor. There was definitely however suspicion that one of the members of the Resistance was an informant for Maniels as he seemed to always have the upper-hand on them. Shadow Lioness entered the living room with tears rolling down her face. "Guys I got some bad news. Shadow has been shot!" Flashback The Shadow Reader had finished reading his pastas for the day when Tyler Jamison came in, and said, "hey Shads your car is outside. I'll have to drive you though. Neddie's sick again." "Probably busy having another phone call to Rarity." Shadow said before continuing with, "by the way anyone heard from Luca since last night?" Tyler shook his head, and helped Shadow get his long bulky overcoat on. Shadow and Jamison got themselves inside the car, and made their way downtown where Shadow requested to go and buy some homemade otter sauce from a local vendor who looked like Rolf from Ed, Edd, N Eddy. Shadow began buying the sauce when all of the sudden two incredibly tall men wearing long bulky overcoats appeared on the scene. They started to running towards Shadow, and revealed themselves to be carrying handguns. Shadow reacted instantly by flying towards the car. "Tyler! Tyler!" Shadow called out, but it was far too late as the two gunmen managed to get five bullets into Shadow's ass. The shots didn't kill Shadow however, but he did fall to the ground in pain. Jamison got out of the car with a shotgun, but by then the two gunmen had already completely disappeared down the street. DaveTheUseless who was passing by ended up giving chase to the two gunmen while Jamison cradled Shadow who lied there motionless. In his last breath before passing out, Shadow said to Jamison, "I need a tailor." To be continued.... Category:Bruno Tattagllia